children of narcissists do it better....

a nihilist with a good imagination

triplets
veil
carlottadeville
I am sitting in front of both my parents, my twin is sitting next to me. She is silent, a carbon copy of me. She is mute, she does not speak, whether she is unable or because she is a physical manifestation of my subconcious. We are holding hands, she is sitting on my right side.

I confront my parents about the truth I recently uncovered, they had given up for adoption our triplet, at birth. I leveled shaking accusatory fingers at them, my twin squeezed my hand tight. Both parents mouths drop, words start to stammer out of them. Montages of the baby torn from photos start playing on the right side of my fathers head. "It was too difficult with twins.. let alone triplets, we couldn't do it so we thought it was better that we sent her to Malta - to live with a long lost Aunt" I feel so betrayed my stomach is kicked, tears fall from my face as my twin sits there holding my hand tight. I tell them I can't believe that they have done this to us, that they have cut off such an intrinsic part of us. I demand that we get her back, they say it's probably for the best because the Aunt went mad years ago and it's been a terrible life for her. I wake up still filled with anger and injustice.

It's an interesting dream that I can't stop thinking about.... possibly about the portion of myself that my family have always tried to ignore or cut off like a limb, hack it from me with their words and actions. I obviously feel like they have stolen something from me and I am trying to get it back. That it was lost to madness but at least I know why I have emptiness towards them. They have tried to make a portion of me empty.
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I think I'm ovulating...
veil
carlottadeville
He's already lying on top of me, shirtless and writhing around. We're in a hotel room, the cotton sheets feel cool against my naked body, his body hair electrifies every single atom of my being. Hes still partially dressed, we're making out. He's writhing in such pleasure and nervousness it takes my breath away. He keeps stopping and asking me if I'm ok.. if this is ok... He's so nervous he cant get a full erection, its almost painful to watch his face contort with such will. I tell him I think its a bit weird we're doing this I mean we work together.. doesn't it feel weird? yeah he says.. yeah... I ask him to lie down and just kiss me... face to face.. I touch his skin.. I haven't felt a mans body, especially one so beautiful, in a really long time.

Then Simon (another work collegue) bursts into the room, smoking and pointing "AH HA! what do you think you two are doing?" with a cheeky grin on his face, "cmon.. you have to get up I've been accepted on Masterchef and I need you to come and cheer for me in the audience" so George and I get dressed.

Scene cut.

We're in a forest clearing, straight out of a Ren Fair. And thats what it basically was Masterchef RENAISSANCE STYLE. Everyone in the audience and the chefs were in full renaissance gear, the table they were preparing food on was a 10 ft long tree cut down and they all battled renaissance style with about 5 full cows carving them up and blackening them on a fire. Amanda Palmer was sitting next to me dressed as a clown.

Fin.
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alexander mcqueen dream
veil
carlottadeville
** first posted on easy as vegan pie june 25 2009

I was at a fashion industry function and had been let in very early. It was stark stark white, empty, white plastic everything, horrible neon lighting and just empty racks, much like an empty department store. I saw a man in a candy coloured striped shirt bending over a loom and went to speak to him. There was a small crowd around him. Its Alexander McQueen someone whispered into my ear, "he's personalising a few things as a promotion" I internally squealed. Oddest thing was he has this really really long hair, like waist length pitch black hair. It was kind of gross. He was busily cutting out stencils with scalpel, then transferring them onto a silk screen and printing the designs onto fabrics.

We were all lightly chatting and gossiping watching the master at work, when he turned to me, smiled and said "you're next, what kind of picture do you want me to draw you?", I replied a horse. He drew me this beautiful shaded charcoal of a horse, cut it out and screen printed it. I told him had very lovely hair and could I touch it? I could. I did. It was kind of weird. He told me that my picture would be ready in a little while so I should have a look around his booth and come back later. I fingered the dresses, breathed in the fabrics, swooned over the colours, touched some to my face. The clothing was to die for. I went back to see him and found my cloth picture had been transferred to the loom and he was hand stitching it into a tapestry with all these really gaudy colours. I was really disapointed, it looked like baby puke, but then I realised I was about to be given a hand drawn, hand made original Alexander McQueen tapestry so all was not bad.
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a gigantic pnuematic snail is staring into my soul
veil
carlottadeville
** originally posted on easy as vegan pie may 29th 2009

Its New Years eve, I'm in Neutral Bay, and I'm on LSD*.

I'm wearing a gigantic overcoat, mushroom coloured, Inspector Gadget style with an immense amount of 'cargo' pockets. In every pocket there is an animal of some sort, a little black bunny, a bird, a puppy, its Josephs magical pet coat. I flit around from bar to bar and end up at Bimbos with people I know (whom I cant remember) and carelessly chuck my coat around everywhere, leave it on the ground, scrunch it up everywhere I go.

I leave Bimbos, midnight rings in and everyone runs out onto the streets and traffic stops, people get out of their cars, the fireworks start and I F R E A K O U T. Realising that the acid has taken hold of me, I have to get out of there. I run and run and run, which is no mean feat in this stupid overcoat, to Yeo st* and start yelling out the front of my friend Gigis* apartment, I'm screaming "GIGI you have to help me!!! I'm seriously monged on acid and FREAKING OUT and need to get to the other side of the city to this party". Gigi comes out onto the balcony and laughs at me and says yeah of course she'll drive me (good samaritan that she is), anyway she comes downstairs in a lace, totally see through jumpsuit and we hop into her rav 4 with the top down (seriously WHERE DO I GET THIS SHIT FROM) and we bail fast to the next party.

I'm drinking and smoking and carrying on. The world has got that LSD glow to it, the halo tracking on the peripherals of my sight, the traffic lights and street lights. Freaking out, Gigi is talking in what appears to be in slow motion. I have a jolt. OH SHIT what about all the pets?!?!? Surely the ones I'm sitting on are dead, what about the ones in the front pockets? My mind races and scans the inventory. I start hearing a wheezing, coughing sound and get really fucking scared. Im talking to Gigi "NO WAY DUDE I'm on acid, there is no WAY I can look in whats in those pockets" but the wheezing keeps going so I gingerly open the pocket that the chocolate coloured bunny was in, filled with trepidation and fear as to what I would find, alas, there is a giant snail in there about the size of my hand. He looks up at me, wheezing and coughing, looks me straight in the eyes. I pluck him out and he sits on my palm, its like he is having an asthma attack. My lsd tainted view is having a keanu reeves whoa moment, and then I wake up.

*I cant believe I had a dream where I was on LSD and interpreting everything that happened in my dream on LSD too was S U R R E A L
*Yeo St was the first sharehouse I ever lived in, in Sydney
*Gigi is from LA
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I had this dream some time ago...
veil
carlottadeville
Clearing out saved blog posts from my email!

An amalgamation dream…. Was talking to a good friend who nows lives in Cairns with her sister (an old friend who got the op), whilst my brain obviously confused one saggitarian for another… my friend belinda went on a field trip to study lichen for her degree when I was living there… but my brain swapped her for my saggitarian cousin…. And gave her a little dramatic back story too.. And for some reason I felt the need to clean a fish tank…

The dream starts and im in a lovely palatial aparment over looking a rainforesty beach in Cairns (far north queensland), there is an indoor waterfall and koi fish pond at the top of the cascade (which is see through - classy), its almost 70s' 'futuresque, lots of white leather and white plastic.. But its 35 years later and shit has started to chip and the white leather couch is a bit worse for wear…. I'm hanging out with my friends Jason and Natalie… catching up… chatting… I get it into my head to clean their fish tank as a thank you for letting me stay with them, I ended up flushing the tank 3 times in an almost psycho must.get.it.clean. Phobic response. We're waiting for my friend to arrive, whom I havent seem since she had the operation… she must be feeling nervous I think.. When my cousin arrives! Totally surprised we start chatting excitedly, I wonder what shes doing here in FNQ…. She tells me she had been secretly taking night classes in science in order to get away from our family business and now she was doing her own science feelancing business collecting rare, fossilised imprints of tropical lichen (I know seriously.. How the fuck does my brain make this shit up)
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dreams
veil
carlottadeville
My new house has me dreaming like a crazy person every night….

I bumped into Kylie Minogue backstage at a concert.. We chatted affably.. In the back of my mind I was like.. Oh yeah I  totally forgot I was friendly with Kylie. She invited me to her Halloween party which I was very excited about. I decided to go dressed as a mexican wrestler (any excuse!) but was stressing about it as the Halloween party was on the same night as my year 12 formal (?!?!) I got changed at my formal to go to Kylies party… and rocked up to this HUGE mansion to swing open the double doors and find everyone in black tie. Tres embaressmont, I was however the hit of the party.

Last night, I met Sha in New York and he came and got me from Grand Central station, I remember walking out of the doors and seeing Manhatten up close and personal and got tears in my eyes and fell to the ground. I had finally made it. At this point we get mugged by crack heads and they steal his wads and I mean WADS of one dollar bills, I punch the crack head lady in the face and her boyfriend runs away. I really lay into her, then stop when shes all on the ground cowering. I grab all of our money back but feel very sorry for her so slip her a $50 bill. We leave and pass her boyfriend hiding behind a dumpster and I hiss at him that I left some money with his girl but she should kick his sorry ass to the fucking curb. Sha and I  then go fur shopping (wtf?!?!) at a very exclusive department store. I buy a cream coloured mohair beret.

Second dream last night, I was looking for a place to live and ended up renting the apartment my Dad lived in in the 80s in Neutral Bay (I've dreamed about this a few times) then I went to America and was in Flagstaff and went to Seths restaurant and he was there working behind the counter, but he was actually happy to see me. He had a hideous long greasey pony tail. We chatted affably and hugged, his business partner was there, Marco and I asked him about his kids… played with his 6 month old baby. They were doing well, they had opened another restaurant and seemed to be getting along really well. We were both happy to see each other and happy to see each other doing so well. It was a nice dream.
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Recent dreams
veil
carlottadeville
Thursday 16th April

Set in a swampy dark with an orange tinge to the night sky, back in my old neighbourhood I grew up in. I knew there was going to be carnage at the party that night and decided not to go in, knowing full well that Freddy Krueger was after me. My conscience told me that I was going to have to battle him sooner or later so I might as well do it at the party but I decided to flee with some of my old school friends in tow. We ended up at Amandas house after running through my old primary school (SO film noir horror film), the vision was like this washed out sepia black and white film. We're standing in the kitchen when Freedy bursts in through the window with someone else in tow (cant remember who but some other horro film guy) , ready, I stab him in shoulder with a kitchen knife, quicky pull it out and stab him UNDER the rib cage into the heart (I could *feel* this in the dream, feel the knife going into the skin), when he let out this throaty, phlegmy cackle, in a scottish accent said "You cinnae kill me lass, I am the undead mwahahahahaha" I quickly pulled the knife out of his chest, he raises his knife hands to swipe me and I start to hack into his neck with the butchers knife (remembering that this seems to be the ONLY thing that kills the undead in horror films) when my alarms goes off and I open my eyes.

I love it when I have dreams in black and white/sepia tones, because my regular dreams are such washed out hyper colours most of the time.

Sunday 19th April

I had the very very important job of taking the royal giant crab to the royal vetinarian for a check up as he was not feeling very well. I plopped him into a black plastic bag with something else (some other animal cant remember what it was like a rabbit or something) and my Dad drove me in a pick up truck to the vet. On the way we drove past this MASSIVE Taj Mahal like building that was being gutted and there must have been like 10,000 workers working on it. I asked my dad to pull over so we could go and have a look. They were gutting this old building (the impression I had that I was actually in the future like 200 years and it was the genuine Taj Mahal that had been neglected and fallen into disrepair) and I started talking to some of the workers that were working on it. They had come from all over for steady work and were being exploited by the Queen which I was quite disgusted with. It then dawned on me that I had a crab and a rabbit in the same bag and perhaps the crab might hurt the rabbit. I pulled the crab out and started to talk to him and he was telling me that he wasn’t feeling that well and we should take him to the vet quickly. My dad warned me that he could hurt me with his pincers, which I told him was totally ludicrous! He was such a friendly crab! On the way to the vet the bag went spastic, with the crab in it battling with the rabbit and killing it. I pulled the crab out and gave him a STERN talking to and with my best mumsy voice told him that if he didn’t behave we would have to put rubber bands on his pincers and what on earth was I going to tell the Queen about the Royal Rabbit. He said "we both know who is most important in the Queens eyes". The dream ended with me and the crab going up miles and miles of winding stair cases in a tower in the royal castle. I woke up before we got to our destination.

TRIPPY.
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robotsex or how I learned to stop worrying and love the wang
veil
carlottadeville
I had the strangest dream last night, cant remember many details, except I was having sex with a robot who had seduced me (it was a metal robot with oddly enough a large flesh penis!) on a giant round bed in a strange church like room. People I knew and my family thought I was gross for having gone through with it, and kept finding 'excuses' for coming into the room. I wrapped myself and the robot up in all the covers so they could at least not see the details and I kept having to verbally shoo them away. After I was done riding that robot like nobodies business, Steve Coogan and entourage storms into the room obviously on his way somewhere, I purred from the bed that he should just stop here as I was ready and waiting for him. (HAHAHAHA!) the best part, he was in like an english admirals uniform. HAHA!

Moral of the story? Sex with men has become an abstract, comical notion even within my subconcious?
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while I'm at it...
veil
carlottadeville
I need to record this while its fresh in my memory…. Or still hazy in my memory… my dream a few nights ago was utterly bizarre. Its in bits and pieces in my head but the general gist of it is I was desperatley trying to find somewhere to live and an old school friend was helping me.. Driving me around….  I went and looked at a place while he went and looked at another, he called me and said hed found the perfect place and was in the process of signing the docs because it was going to get taken straight away…. I went over there and it was a SHITHOLE…. Like a squat in a storage warehouse or something…. I was kind of dismayed when looking around I saw photos around with obviously the people who live there in them… I panicked! It was someone from high school I fucking hate… I started to squirm.. Yelling at my friend.. Didn’t you realise that this was so and sos place.. He was all .. Yeah that’s how I knew it was available.. .on one foot I was pleased that she was living in such squalor.. On the other foot I really REALLY didn’t want to see her that’s when I heard a car pull up outside and I yelled and panicked! Quick I said we must leave…. How?!! Then me and my friend shapeshifted into kookaburras and flew away and sat in the tree outside the house! Hahahahha! Then I remember thinking how my plan was kind of flawed as there werent really any kookaburras living in the area and it would seem odd that  there was 2 sitting outside her house talking…. Then we fly away!
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aurora australis
veil
carlottadeville
This dream is kind of patchy…. I was organising movie night but I had forgotten all of my stuff so my mum drove me back to my houes in a white 4x4 and off in the distance I started seeing gold waves move through the sky. Staring in complete bewilderment I said to mum.. What the hell is that? Then a pulse went off in the sky and wave of green rolled through the sky the a wave of red and it started shimmering like a curtain, pulsating like waves. I started to cry at home beautiful it was sitting there with my mouth agape holding my mums hand and not daring to breathe incase it made it all go away. All the traffic had stopped and I said "it’s the aurora australis!!!". Colour kept waving through the sky but we started to drive again. We stopped off at the nandos franchise I had purchased (wtf?!?) and I went to have a quick meeting with the manager and discuss the contract where I was giving training on their register system (it was some weird counting system kind of like an abacus that would help you keep track of how much money ou had earned in your till and help you calculate how much the customer hd purchased and then how much change you had to give them). I'm really bad at math and got upset that I couldn’t understand the system, where I was informed that I was supposed to work on the ocunter for the first year as part of my contract… that’s when I kind of cracked and said I didn’t want to go through with the purchase anymore, the manager went and got a GIANT tray of chicken and starting pulling pieces of brown flesh off the bones and saying.. Try it at least… I rememebr feeling sick to my stomach by the smell and the flesh was really really brown like the colour of liver. I said I didn’t eat meat and she laughed at me disgusted and said how the fuck did I think I could own a Nandos?!?! I kind of concurred and left, very very upset.

I went to my house to set up the projector but I kept forgetting key elements… like cords and so forth… my house was awesome though.. It was total 60s minimalist.. Everything was white!!! White leather lounges, shag pile rug, white plastic coffee table.. It was really hot. A friend of mine came over for movie night and we chatted… laughing about things.. The last thing I remember is touching his face with my flat palm and kissing him… a completely comfortable, unaware moment.
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